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American Idol Seattle: Free Association

So tonight was night two of watching American Idol. Oh.my.Gawd. I do not believe they should come back to Seattle. Really. Ever. No, really. I think the geek-o-meter spun out of control tonight. The only thing I could think to do is free association. Those of you who didn’t watch will *not* get this. Those who did…well, you will FEEL MY PAIN.

Uncle Sam - Sang “I Shot the Sheriff” at last year’s audition. He’s a cop. If only he was a sheriff so we could have shot him to put us out of our misery!

The “Hotness” - Er, no, more like the “Hothead.”

Amy-who-tried-to-sing-Xtina - “Tried” is the operative word. …and Amy, when they say NO, they mean it. No has one less letter than yes. You should be able to get it the first time around.

Darwin “Misha” - Girlfriend. Please crack open a Cosmo. You need some serious lip liner. And a facial. And a new hair style. Don’t be your momma’s mini-me cuz you’ll be, er, “hot” like her.

Tommy the former gas pump operator - American Idol is a step up for you, man. They like your ‘do, too!

“Carlene” - I think Simon was right. You looked like you had been caught in a net. The pink sleeves gave you some sloppy soft version of Popeye arms. Oh, and get some singing lessons or something!

Blake - The spikes could probably penetrate cement, Dude. When I think of the rest of the Seattle auditions, I can see why they said yes to you, but you do sound effects better than you sing. And DITCH the emerald green shirt, Spike!

Green Tie Guy - Ack! You channeled Napoleon Dynomite and didn’t even do *that* effectively.

Saymali and Sanjaya, the Wonder Twins - Okay, I liked these two. It will be interesting to see what happens. I have to admit, though, their faces looked virtually IDENTICAL. It was a bit weird.

Nick Zitzman - the Zitzmeister, the Leader, the software engineer. Um, Simon was right here and I quote: “What the bloody hell was that?!?!?” and “It was almost non-human.” I’ve never heard a person butcher a song as bad as that. Your melody was REALLY unchained, Dude. It was unhinged completely.

Rudy - Open Arms by Journey? Wow…took me back to the couples skate in the 1980s. But you rose to the top in Seattle, Dude.

Kenneth - aka “The Bug-Eyed Freak” or “Bush Baby” (or according to my hubby….a lemur). I was very afraid watching you, Man. And I did put the earplugs in, but I’m betting you aren’t going to Hollywood.

Eric “Taylor Hicks” Wannabe - er, you may wanna keep your day job, Dude. And don’t EVER try to style Simon’s hair. The security was up on you, Man.

Anna - this woman was 6′7″ with heels. I’m 5′0″ so she’s like 19″ taller than me. I’d probably be staring at her navel if we had polite conversation in the hall. Damn. But she belted out a nice Aretha!

Jordan - 16 years old and channeling Mariah. She stood out in Seattle, but will she stand out in Hollywood? Not if she’s standing next to Anna!

Red - Dude…don’t EVER sing Queen again. For that matter, don’t ever sing ANYTHING again. And you should call 1-800-GET-TOOTH. As Beth would say “Bohemian Craphsody.” She’s absolutely right!

So next week it’ll be in Memphis. I hope they find more talent in Memphis. Or maybe not cuz I’ll run out of things to make fun of. Heh.

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