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American Idol: NY, NY

Given I’m supposed to finish up a project before my day job tomorrow, I won’t have much time to share my thoughts on tonight’s American Idol auditions in the good ole city of NY, NY. But I know AI starved fans are anxious to get their hands on *any* AI-related stuff, so why would I keep you in suspense? Here’s, well, something closer to word association versus free association. Heh.

Ian Benardo: He says “Ben-ardo” and I say “Ret-ardo.” Let’s call the whole thing off.

Sarah from Ohio: You’re 19. You don’t need Daddy’s permission to do ANYthing any more.

Fania: From Greece to Africa, and she took a left turn at apalling.

Ashanti: They said “As the American Idol Turns” and I say “As My Stomach Turns.” Get a clue - there were three Americans in the room and they said NO. America has *heard* you, so move on.

Amanda and Anotella: They both made it, but Anotella sings far better. Will their friendship survive Hollywood? Um, isn’t this about singing? To quote the MUSIC EXECUTIVE: “When someone’s down on the floor, kick them.” Could be interesting!

Clifton: Who told you ZZ Top screams when they sing? Damn!

Phillip: Does he have a flip top head?

William: AKA “It’s Pat!”

Kia: She did Aretha and got in. She was excited as hell. Simon says she has one problem, though. “No emotion.” HA! Such a funny guy that Simon!

Jenry: While he reminded me of Skelator, he had a great voice for a 16 year old.

Nakia: Should have stuck with the first song as you blew it with your second. You’ll be dancin’ in the streets at home, “Little Shirley.”

Sarah Goldberg: Hubby and I agreed that she was channeling “Fucking leftard.” Sarah, you’re right…you can’t sing. You don’t need to be taught how to sing, either. You need a valium and a dose of conservative. Jeez.

Antonio: He sang New Yor, New York. Can we get a “K” Vanna?

Jory: A Canadian who made a stop in Santa Monica on her way to American Idol. Isn’t this show “AMERICAN Idol?” Eh?

Porcelana: The “Rocky” of American Idol. She sang Mary J. Blige, and quite nicely. She scares me, though.

Christopher Henry: They thought he looked a bit like Simon, but when he sang, a woman’s voice clearly came out. I could close my eyes and see a woman in my mind. I would have never told him that. But Simon made it clear that he should have sang “in a dress and stilettos.” Harsh - at least it got a cussing rant out of Paula.

Rachel: Rachel was there, along with her other two personas. Oh, and all of them are going to Hollywood.

Chris from Virginia: Hubby: Yet another Mariah wannabe with balls. Me: Since he has balls, they’ll say he’s like Justin Timberlake. AI: You’re kind of like Justin Timberlake. Score: One for me, zero for da hubby. Should I be proud, or humiliated? ;)

Nick: Bailed on Hollywood last year and came back to redeem himself. He would have truly redeemed himself if he had sang “Buttercup.” Really.

Isadora: To quote Simon “rational advice isn’t necessary.” And she seemed to be orgasming right in the middle of the song - was I dreaming? Oh, yes, we were laughing too hard to really notice. But riddle me this…she said she was a clairvoyant. Wouldn’t a clairvoyant *know* if they are going to win or not?

Next week? Alabama. I bet Beth is lined up for her audition as we speak!

American Idol: Memphis Blahhhging

I preface this with the fact that I wasn’t as entertained with American Idol auditions this week. Why would I feel like that? It’s simple - not enough freaks. I sure hope New York’s auditions are a bit more, er, freaky. I DEMAND entertainment! :-)

The “no” club was rather large again this week, of course. I will say, though, that they had artful use of sign language this week. …and it wasn’t the peace sign or “I love you.”

Cheerleader Frank (also known as “Frank ‘n Beans”): This guy brought his cheering squad with him. And the band. And the judges dismissed him. And Simon dismissed the cheering squad. And the band.

Timika: What was she singing? Huh? To quote her “Hmmm.” I still don’t know what the hell she was singing.

Christopher: All I know is that he sang “Superstitious.” I’m superstitious that he actually knew the words since I didn’t understand what the HELL he was singing.

Alexis: I couldn’t get past the earrings that sounded like windchimes. She should have taken them out the same time she got rid of her gum. I was wondering if she was going to start stripping when she started taking off her jacket. Oh, and did I mention she couldn’t sing?

Wow….no wonder the judges get grumpy. What a bad morning for them!

Sundance Head: No, that really is his name. REALLY. And he sang some righteous blues. I think if he goes far he should change his last name. Sundance Head. Yikes!

Wandera: I wonder(uh), who did your dye job? And your fit was almost as good as a two-year-old. Almost.

Travis, aka Emotional Man: Admittedly, I had high expectations that he might actually sing a ballad that would make me feel his, er, emotion. I should know better. I can’t tell, honestly, if this man was trying to channel Tourette’s or if he was stuttering while singing. To quote Simon “Bye, bye, bye.”

Danielle: She sang Aretha and Paula said “you’re an old soul.” Not all the judges were convinced, so it’ll be interesting to see what happens. She didn’t stand out for me the way others did.

Topher, aka Paula’s-Greatest-Fan-Until-She-Said-No: Topher’s singing of “Footlose” went over like (loosing quoting Simon) a guy who was singing karaoke at a wedding, had too much to drink and fell off the stage. Topher’s claim to fame? He got to call his cheating ex-wife a bitch on national television. At least he got something out of his AI experience!

Janita: She sang “Disco Inferno.” That should be end of story, save for the cleavage issues she had. To quote Simon “Um, you are a handful.” [following by much laughter]. I thought it was humorous that she said the judges would find her somewhat conservative but sexy. Just call her Miss Doesn’t-Have-A-Clue.

Belinda Doolittle: Wow, what a voice. But she’s a professional backup singer. Isn’t it like a pro playing in college football? She did rock, though.

Robert Lee Holmes: This guy was hilarous, even though he didn’t mean to be. He said he’s a dancer, a singer and a story writer. When asked what kind of stories he writes he plainly stated “The Story of Robert.” Robert, seems as though you have to write the end of *this* chapter of your story. His Elvis sounded more like Bucwheat.

The New Daddy: He sang “My Girl” in honor of his three daughters. He missed out on the birth of his new baby to be at AI auditions (and boy was she cute). He made it to Hollywood - I wonder if the judges said “yes” just so his wife wouldn’t kill him. Heh.

I saved my favorite for last:

Sean (Shawn?): This man explained that his appearance has been described as similar to Castro, Jesus, Osama and, well, a homeless guy. I can’t disagree with him. Neither could the judges, who were silenced by the guy’s fabulous voice. Where the hell did that voice come from, Fidel? Simon’s observation was classic “I thought you were going to sing something about a revolution.”

My AI Blogging Buddy Beth shares in my apathy about tonight’s auditions. Go encourage her to live blog tomorrow - NEW YORK, BABEEEEEEEE!

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