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White Trash Vision

Now, some of you done talk about my fine and speshul jus. Any of you who partake in my elixur will know that it can give you some mighty fine powers of pursepshun. Things have a way of turning out how you want it when you’ve done drunk yerself into a frezy. I’ve had some of my friends done talk about this. Here is what they spoke of:

Family Pet Afore Dan’s drank the speshul jus:

Family Pet After Dan’s bender:

Ain’t that some magic? How about this? This is my cuzin Beula Mae’s boyfeller afore she drank the jus:

And lookee what a little jus will do fer him:

Well, it ain’t much better, but she didn’t drink enough, I reckon.

A since this is more like a food site, I recon I should show you what that thare Preston tried to eat. He had been on an 8 hour drunkfest and thought he was eating this:

This is what he actually chowed down on, and mind you it ain’t purty:

That damn Preston ate up Bit-Bit!!! Brittany, she was done pissed. But that nice feller, her man Federline got her another one. They named him Bite-Bite, in memery of dat traguty.

Hmmm…I’ll bet yer wonderin’ why I put that damn picture there. Well, just gotta say I’ve had a coupln nips of the juice myself and find that picture to be, well, just damn freaky. Looks like my idiut ex, but my ex had the eyes tattooed right on his face.

Now, doncha all know that ole Hector loves a lookin’ at them girly magazines. He had a few chugs of my magic jus and thought he was lookin’ at this:

You may not have this learnin of Hector, but the poor boy can’t read - not enough skoolin’ for him. So here he goes thinkin’ he’s lookin’ at a mighty fine piece of girlflesh and he actually picked up a copy of "I’m an Ugly Girl Dog:"

Now lastly, my ole man done decided that he wanted to get us a new home. Afore he and me drank my magic poshion, this is what our new surroundings looked like:

Now ain’t that just a nightmare to yer eyes. Thank the good man upstairs we had ourselves a whole gallon of my joy jus. Once we drank it, our home looked much better:

Ahhhhhhh….now THAT’s livin large, ain’t it?

Love,
Ray Dawn


Hick - White Trash Poet Extraordinaire

I have this neighbor named Bette who dun lives across the way. Awhile ago, she sent me this right nice note about how us White Trash folks are infultratin’ all necks of society, even high falootin’ society. This is what she sent to me:

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck (also known as White Trash iffin you didn’t know that) from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!!

See! I done tole you that we’d perversere (oh hell, we’d win)! Ain’t no high society trash person gonna win with our wit and worldyness.


“White Trash” Wednesdays, Volume X

So ya’ll, I’m a bit right late for my White Trash Wednesday bloggin - but don’t ya reckon it’s still Wednesday somewhere? Please pay a visit to my extended, inbred family over thar on yer right afore my paw gets his sawed-off mind-changer!

Love,
Ray Dawn


Road Kill Cookin’ - Water Fowl


Thought I’d share with you some recipes for White Trash Delicacies. Your chances of hitting water fowl are few unless you hit those parts of the backwoods that have swamplands or some other watery place. I reckon you would be best off iffin you borrowed BillyBob’s 4×4 to wade through all that. Here’s some bodacious bites that will set your heart aflight:Dakota Duck

Remove breasts from the ducks you’ve "purchased." Put in the glovebox and go home. Soak in a beer bath for several days in the styrofoam cooler you borrowed from Aunt Helen.Goodyear Goose

Simple. Fry that bad boy up in a nice turkey fryer. Hell - "purchase" a couple of ‘em - your turkey fryer’s got room!

Mix a couple eggs, salt, pepper, and dip meat in mixture. Roll in crushed saltines here - use them "extra" packs you can get at the fast food joints in town.

Fry ‘em up in hot oil until they is brown, but make sure it gets cooked thru. There ain’t nothin’ gives you the scoots like undercooked water fowl! Serve on a bed of Ramen Noodles or store brand mac ‘n cheese…. mmmmmMMM!

Use all yer Parts, cuz Parts is Parts

Lastly, I wanted to share with you fine folks that every part of your animal can get used when you are roadkill shopping. My Uncle Ernie, he done "purchased" him a cow (my uncle is the king of roadkill shoppin’ - he done got this cow with a mini cooper - wasn’t his mini cooper, don’tcha know, but boy howdy!). When he brought it home, his old lady went to work, and made sure she done used all the parts. Aunt Janine’s hard work paid off:


“White Trash” Wednesdays, Volume IX

Yup! It’s that time agin, boys and girls. Me and my kin are celebratin’ our heritage and our double-wides. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of "White Trash Wednesday." This comes to you from my cousin’s on the right. No dummy, your other right. Use that scroll bar! Thar ya go!

See ya’ll tomorrow!


A White Trash Vacation

Me and my family just got us back from our family vacation. We shore nuff enjoyed ourselves, other than a few little mishaps along the way. I done thought I’d share with all my buddies our pictures of the trip - iffin you’d like to go thar sometime yerself.

My old man and I wanted to take the kids somewhere right special. We loaded up the truck and headed out on our road trip. We took us some cheese curls and bologna sandwiches to tide us over. My old man wouldn’t let me drive, but I did get to change the tire on Bertha - our truck. He calls her Bertha cuz she is such a smooth ride he says.

We kept driving and driving, and finally felt like the bologna and cheese curls weren’t helping any more, so we stopped at our favorite eating spot "The Greasy Spoon." This was done out in the middle of nowhere, but boy do they serve up some mighty good chow.

We were about to our destination when we saw a sign for the Boxcar Willie Museum. Only by the grace of God (and a bunch of 8-tracks) are we getting by in this world since Boxcar left us in 1999. We had to go in. My fondest treasure is of this picture of Boxcar’s beauty told in a wax statue:

Whilst I never did want to leave, my old man reminded me that the kids really needed to get to our vacation spot since riding in the back of Bertha gave them some darn awful windburn (not to mention the bag of cheese curls that blew out of Willie’s hand and struck the window of the car behind us). Then, there it was. A beautiful sight - a sight that even Boxcar’s Museum paled in comparison. The Billy the Kid Museum.

What I knew of the Billy the Kid Museum was the stuff of stories while us younguns gathered aroun’ old Papy’s knees. And everything he said was true. I even got to see Billy’s burial marker. But most importantly, I got to see the 6 legged calf my Papy was buggeyed about. He was so right that you could stare at that stuff forever.

Well, we decided to set up camp for the night and stayed at the KOA. We love sleeping in the back of Bertha under the stars. I will say that next time I’m bringing the calomine lotion, damn chiggers.

Next mornin’ we decided to head back. It was cloudy out so the younguns could avoid any more sunburn. ’bout an hour into the trip, we came across a carnival - one of them traveling kinds with the rides you love to be on because it may be their last run, if you know what I’m saying. Sure adds a thrill! Anyway, we met Eugene and Willie in the midway. They sure gave the kids some nice prizes, although I had to say no to the 6′ stuffed banana. Smile purty for the cameras, ya’ll!

Well, as you can reckon, me an my gang were dog tired. About an hour before home, the old man was hankerin’ for something to wet his whistle. We were so excited to see a store at the top of the hill. We went in and there it was. The light was shining down on it so bright you’d have thunk it was on stage. My old man hadn’t seen it for years and now, here it was. Mad Dog 20/20. Flavors upon flavors. The bottles all lined up so neatly, kept cold for him.

We got him a bottle of each kind. My old man was so excited he even got me a bottle of Strawberry Hill, my favorite. But I couldn’t help thinking how some of that exotic lookin’ MD 20/20 would taste and I could only hope the old man would give me a sip when we got home.

Well, we did get home, which is why I could share this will you fine folks. I reckon you must be mighty jealous of our expedition. But next time, we’ll save some room for ya’ll.

Love,
Ray Dawn


“White Trash” Wednesdays, Volume VIII

Howdy ya’ll!

The gang is back tomorrow for another episode of White Trash Wednesday where us hicks get to make fun of our roots. Please join my fellow trash as noted on the right and kick back for some rip-roarin’ fun!


White Trash Wednesday: Cocktails for the Common Folk

Who has got the time to prepare them damn fruity drinks - blenders, ice, little umbrellas and a twist of lime? Ain’t the purpose of drinkin’ liquor to get drunk? Why waste yer time mixing all that stuff up when I can get you some simple recipes.

Stuff you need to have that will allow you to get drunk:

1 glass or empty mason jar (I like them big ole mason jars - holds a lot of spirit iffin I do say)
water out of the hose or the sink, depending on where you sit
a big ole bottle of booze

Here’s recipes that’ll get you to your pink elephant reality real quick like:

Jack Daniels & Water

Pour a few glugs of good ole JD in your mason jar. Add a splash of water. Drink.

Wild Turkey & Water

Pour a few glugs of that Wild Turkey in your mason jar (once your JD is gone). Add a splash of water. Drink until gone.

Mad Dog 20/20

Hell with the mason jar and water. Pour that smooth stuff right into your mouth from that bottle. Drink until gone, makin’ sure you don’t spill none.

Store Brand Scotch

Get the cheapest damn scotch you can find. Sit in your chair. Drink right out of the bottle until gone. Chase it up with a shot of water, iffin you are still awake at this point.

Who needs those confarndit cityfolk concoctions? We got the stuff dreams are made of right here!


“White Trash” Wednesdays, Volume VII

Ya’ll,

We’re at it again, I say. If you look forward to shooting the s&!* with some of my cronies, please pull up a chair and your whittlin’ knife for adventure you won’t soon forget (unless Jack Daniels has something to say about it!). Please be sure to see all my White Trash friends on that list on yer right - no, yer other right.


When Trash Meets Seamen!

I done saved my best recipe for last. My ole man, he used to be a seaman (you know, the boys in those doggone handsome sailor uniforms). He brought home this recipe for S*&% on a Shingle (S.O.S.). While I rectum ya’ll might want to stick with the recipe since you aren’t a gormet chef like myself, I will also say I use good old ground chuck instead of the chipped beef - that stuff can be damn pricey!
Melt butter or fat in pan, then add the beef. Cook 3 minutes, or until brown. Add 2 cups of milk, but save the last 1/4 cup for later. Add salt and pepper and bring to a boil. Add flour to thicken, followed by leftover milk. Thicken to a glue-like texture, then pour over toast.

S.O.S. (dedicated to my seaman)

5 oz. of dried or chipped beef
2 1/4 cups of milk
2 tbs. butter or fat
1/4 cup flour
Salt and pepper
6 slices of bread, toasted


When Texas Meets Trash - Tortilla Weenie Wrap

There ain’t nothing easier than this recipe, I’ll reckun with the exception of your sister Twila!

Tortilla Weenie Wrap

1 hot dog
1 tortilla
1 piece of store brand sliced cheese product

Put the cheese on top of the hot dog, wrap the tortilla around the works. Heat in the microwave until the cheese melts and the hot dog is warm (around a minute, dependin’ on how old that there microwave is).

You can dip it into some taco sauce. I make it simple by using those, uh, left over packets from Taco Bell. Deeelish, ya’ll!


When East Meets Trash - Hot Dog Fried Rice

There ain’t no one outta there that can say we don’t know how to cook a good meal loaded with culture. We ain’t nobodys just cuz we don’t have them fancy knives like that broad Rachael Ray (although she does have a garbage bowl - same as a trash bowl, I reckun!).

I like livin’ classy and you can too, by serving up this meal that all yer family will not soon fergit.

Hot Dog Fried Rice

3-4 Hot Dogs, cut up into chunks (1 serving for each person ya’ll are cooking for)
Minute Rice, cooked, enough for all of your eaters
An onion, chopped up
Some Soy Sauce (I use the packets from that Chinese diner in the mall)
Some eggs, scrambled

Take the hot dogs and fry ‘em up in a pan. Add the onion and sweat it out (fancy talk, ain’t it?). Put the rice in the pan and stir it all up with that soy sauce. Once that’s all done, then throw in your eggs, and let them cook until done.

There you have it. If yer kin don’t usually like Fried Rice, since there’s hot dogs in there, you can serve it with some catsup and relish, if they like that kind of thing. I usually follow it up with a fortune cookie from that there Chinese diner we talked about earlier. Or a Ding Dong - they are good with everything!


“White Trash” Wednesdays, Volume VI

We’re at it again! Me and my hillbilly friends invite you to pull up a chair and drink a shot of Cactus Juice as we roll out another "White Trash Wednesday!"

Please visit the trailers of my kin - I done listed their locales off on the lower right of this here page!

See ya’ll tomorrow!


Me and My Old Man, a White Trash Love Story

Many of you wanted to know the real story ’bout how me’n my old man met. Well, I’ll do my best, but it’s so hard to ‘ticulate in writing our amazing love story. Welp, here goes…

Me and my old man met in Hi-Vue Trailer Park during a tornado. Those underground shelters are good for something after all! Well, that is until Ma and Pa got a bit upset after we didn’t come out for awhile.

Talk about a shotgun weddin’! It wasn’t long after this picture was taken of Ma and Pa that the old man and me discovered we were gonna be a Ma and Pa, too. Here we are on our weddin’ day. That Brittany and Kevin Federline ain’t got nothing on us!

Fast forward 5 kids later, and about 20 dogs, we’re doing just fine, even with that little paternity show we went on with Jerry Springer. I told the ole man that Earl was his kid - hell he had his dumbo ears’n everything, but Jerry worked it out for us. Well, I guess that’s thar another story. Here’s a picture of some of our pooches getting their baths:

For $10 for the lot of them, you can’t blame us for hiring George and Geraldine - they wash ‘em all up in less than an hour.

Anyway, me and my ole man is doing fine. I got to thinking about Valentine’s Day and how romantic he has been. He’s got me some pretty amazing stuff to honor our love. Some I can think of is a new Jello mold (shaped like a razorback, our favorite mascot!), Spam flavored condoms, gift certificates to the Wal-Mart snack bar, and some grease for that squeaky front door hinge. I’ve got him some pretty darn nice stuff, too, including some new cinderblocks for the trailer, some clear floormats for the old Ford and a tattoo on my right ass cheek with a picture of his favorite pet pig "PicNic." This year’s Valentine’s Day was really special. Our old trailer was a shambles, and instead of fixin’ her up, my old man got me a new one. Look at this…it’s out and out purty:

We just had Uncle Eustus haul the old one away and within the day, we were set up. What a great Valentine’s Day! So, given I cook and all, I thought I’d set him up with an extra special Valentine’s Day spread. I figger, a way to a man’s heart is through his tummy, lest that’s what Mamma said. Here’s a picture of our meal (the old man likes Coors Lite tallboys and I like wine…spam is our favorite, iffin you didn’t already know that):

So, that about sums it up for a most beautiful relationship, don’tcha think?

My next journal entry will probably be about my Uncle Eustus. He needs to go find himself. He’s got interesting choices for dates since Aunt Pearl passed away.


“White Trash” Wednesdays, Volume V

We’re at it again! Me and my hillbilly friends invite you to pull up a chair and drink a little Mad Dog with us as we roll out another "White Trash Wednesday!"

Beautiful Atrocities
Cranky Neocon
Cry Freedom
Dangerous Logic
Fistful of Fortnights
Fragile Darkness
Hector Vex’s Infotainment
It Is What It Is
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Rachael Ray Redux
Riehl World View
Six Meat Buffet
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The LLama Butchers
Vince Aut Morire


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